Harry Potter the Pregnant Teenage Girl!
by Alexander Green
Summary: Laugh out loud in this hilarious, provacative parody that includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, Severus, and many new characters that aren't one ounce magic! ha!
1. A new mother and father

Episode #1

"Harry," Snape whispered into the darkness. "Yes," Harry asked. "I'm... a teenage girl," Snape said, "And I love you." "Oh, Snape, I knew it. I love you. Come here!" Harry ejaculated. Harry grabbed Snape and began to snog him. "Ewww! get off me you fag. I was kidding," Snape yelled. "I'm sorry! I just couldn't hide my true feelings any longer!" Harry cried. "That's okay, I know how you feel," Snape said comfortingly. "R-really?" Harry sobbed. "No," Snape said coldly and walked away leaving Harry to cry in the darkness. And after that night nobody ever, EVER saw Harry Potter again.

Episode #2

Yes, I did say that nobody ever saw Harry Potter again... But I lied! Muahaha. Well anyway here is episode two.

"Well," Hermione's dad said, "The X-rays show that you are a pregnant teenage girl." "WHAT?" Harry yelled. "Those were X-rays of my mouth!" "I know that," he daid, " They still show you are a pregnant teenage girl." "Let me see them!" Harry screamed. And there, on the x-ray of his mouth, bore a sign in his gum. Clearly printed was:

I AM A PREGNANT TEENAGE GIRL

"Oh my god! You're right!" Harry said. "I know that," Hermione's dad said. "What will I do?" Harry asked. "See a doctor, not an orthodontist." "Right, thanks... for er... nothing I guess." 

Episode #3

"Ron!" Harry yelled finding Ron. "Oh, hi, Harry. Wut do you want?" Ron asked coldly. "I have to tell you something," Harry said. "That you and Snapey-poo are getting married?" Ron blurted. "No! I'm completely over him. I need to tell you that I'm a teenage girl. A pregnant teenage girl," Harry said. "Bloody hell! Oh my god..." Ron was speechless after those words. "And, it's your child, too," Harry said. Ron went white. "But I thought I put it in your..." Ron stopped. "Shhh! Someone might be listening. I guess I didn't know that I had one," Harry whispered. "How didn't you know?" Ron asked. "I never looked!" Harry argued. "So... wait, that means we did it doggy style... EW!" Ron said. "Hey, Harry," Hermione said entering the room. "Hi, Hermione," Harry said. "What's new?" Hermione asked. "Oh nothing. Only the fact that Harry is a teenage girl carrying my child," Ron said. "Oh my fucking god!" Hermione said and hurled all over the floor Episode #4

"Well, now you have a good reason not to go out with Ginny," Ron said. "I had one. And she might be bisexual," Harry said. "Yeah, you're right," Ron said. "Damn straight I am!" Harry yelled. "So, is it a boy or a girl?" Ron asked. "How the hell should I know! You only knocked me up two weeks ago!" Harry yelled. "Well sooorry!" Ron argued childishl. "Okay guys, I'm done barfing," Hermione said re-entering the room. "You've only been half an hour," Ron said. "Shut up, Ron," Hermione said. "I guess all this means we're not going out anymore," Ron said. "You bet your ass it does! You cheated on me for Harry and knocked him up and got him pregnant! We are totally through," Hermione said, "You can have your butt-fucking brady bunch now!" and she stormed out of the room. "And by the way," Hermione said poking her head through the door and throwing somthing at Ron, "You can have your vibrator back. I found it on my bed two weeks ago where you guys were doing it. I've been meaning to give it back." 

Episode #5

"So, who else has been knocking you up lately?" Ron asked. Harry looked at Ron. "Oh, Ron, I was going to tell you, but all these things are just messing with my head. I'm also having an affair with Herman!" Harry burst out ashamedly. "The fucking duck?" Ron asked astonished. "Yes! Yes! The duck!" Harry cried out. "You, you're a Sheeleyist, aren't you?" Ron asked. "Could you ever forgive me?" Harry pleaded. "Oh, I don't know. It's so hard on me," Ron said. "Think about our child, and our love before this," Harry begged. "You're right. I love you," Ron said. "I could never love Sheeley, Sheeleyism, or Herman as much as you," Harry said. "Wait, did you say Sheeley?" Ron asked. "No, yes, no, maybe... yes," Harry said, "But I don't want to talk about that right now." "Fine. We'll talk about that later. But now, it's you and me time. Kiss me darling," Ron said. "Oh, Ron." 


	2. Severus' Demisable Plan and Sheeleyism

Episode #6

"Snape, now that we're finally together we can..." Draco stopped. "Shut up, Draco. My true feelings are with Potter," Snape said. "Why didn't you admit it then?" Draco asked. "It's... it's just too embarrasing. I don't know wh. And what would I tell Alchemia?" Snape asked. "Why don't you just leave her then?" Draco asked. "Because I love her, too," Snape replied. "Sounds like you've got a problem," Draco said. "No shit," Snape sneered. "Well Potter's with Weasley. If you want Potter, you need to get rid of Weasley without anyone knowing that you did it," Malfoy said. "I say we poison a chicken and put it in Gryffindor common room with some hope of Ron eating it and dying," Draco said. "Long, drawn out, pointless, and likely to fail. When do we get started?" 

Episode #7

"So, what got you into Sheeleyism anyhow?" Ron asked. "Well, you know my passion for pez dispensers of course, so I went to this pez club. It was founded by some American named Kayla Sheeley. Well, one of the pez dispensers was a duck, and... he was just so hot! So we kinda snuck into a clost and, yeah. Well then the Sheeley person found us and we couldn't do anything but let her join the action. So it kinda turned into a threesome. Everday since then I've been fingering pez dispensers," Harry said. "Ah, I see. Could never get enough?" Ron asked. "Yeah. Pretty much," Harry said. Harry hears a crying girl and turns to look. "Kayla?" Harry asked the crying girl. "Hi, Harry," Kayla sobbed. "What's wrong?" Harry asked affectionately. "Herman broke up with me. He says that I finger him too much and now he has a rash shaped like Minnesota on his..." Kayla stopped. "Ahem," Harry interrupted. "Sorry," Kayla appologized. "On his what?" Ron asked. "You don't want to know. And neither do I," Harry asked. 

Episode #8

"Now let me find a chicken to poison," Snape said to himself. "Snape! Oh Snape it's you! I love you so much! Marry me and buy me a yellow house for us to live in 'till the day we die!" a blonde yells from across the yard. "And you would be?" Snape asked coldly. "I'm Allis-... meh! My name is Lila. I'm like your number one fan and admirer," Allison said. "Allie! That's supposed to be OUR yellow house!" Zak cried out popping out of nowhere into the scene. "Oh, Zak, I do love you. But when will I ever get the chance to ficticiously live with Snape again?" Allie asked. "Maybe the author might write something about you two," Zak said. "I wouldn't bet on it," Allison replied. "And by the way. How the hell did you get here?" She asked. "Er... long story," Zak said. "I have time," Allison replied. "Well the episode is nearly over judging by the amount of space left on the paper. Haven't you noticed that not one episode goes over one page?" "Yeah, I did. Stupid author." "Dammit, you two. You took up the whole episode. Now I have to wait a while to actually do something," Snape said. 

Episode #9

"Pez club just isn't the smae without Herman and his Minnesota shaped rash on his.." Kayla stopped. "Ahem. You don't even know who could be reading this! And I really don't want to know where that rash is," Harry interrupted. "Sorry, Harry, but I just miss him so much," Kayla said. "I know how you feel. Someone I care about, too, has left my life," Harry said. "Who?" Kayla asked. "I couldn't tell you that. It's very personal," Harry said. "So, about Saturday in the closet," Kayla started. "What about it?" Harry asked. "I just keep thinking about it," Kayla said. "Why?" Harry asked. "Because I want mooore!" Kayla said. "The Room of Requirements is empty," Harry said. "What are we waiting for?" Kayla asked. "A bagel with cream cheese," Harry answered Kayla's rhetorical question. "Fine be that way! I vote Democrat!" Kayla said. Harry gasped. "You bitch! All I ever wanted from you was a sandwich!" Harry cried. ... - Kayla 

Episode #10

Herman the Duck In First Person:

(plz remember now that Herman is a pez dispenser coated with a furry lining that looks like a duck)

I take a puff from my joint. Life sucks and that's all there is to it. I hate people. Always fingering me. They never can keep their fingers to themselves. especially that Kayla Sheeley kid. She fingered me so hard the other day it gave me a rashe the shape of the American state Minnesota on my clit.  
Yes, my clit. Just don't tell anyong. It might cause worldwide panic. And why it's shaped like Minnesota, well that's another story. I head into the local Cumberland Farms and buy a Slim Jim and a Big Gulp. I see some of my fellow pez dispensers locked behind plastic. Someday they'll be freed. I'll free them all. I slurp on my Big Gulp and it tastes good. I'm out of weed. I'll have to ask Nickey for some more. She always has some. Carlton better have Link's Master Sword wating at my apartment when I get home. I've still got some dirty work left to do. Shit, the cops. I've got to break. Later. 


	3. Cumberland Farms and Cheap Apartments

Episode #11

"Here we are," Harry said. "Cumberland Farms?" Kayla asked. "Yep," Harry replied and got off his broom. "I'll have the two slim jims ans this big gulp," Harry said. "That'll be four dollars and eighty seven cents," the Asian cashier replied. Harry handed the cashier a lincoln and got back thirteen cents. They walked back out to the broom. "Harry. I've got that sandwich you wanted," Kayla said. "A ham and onion sandwich, do you realize what you've done?" Harry asked. "Er... I gave you a ham and onion sandwich?" Kayla guessed. "That's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that I'm going to have major gas tonight!" Harry said with a tone of excitement in his voice. "Oh, that's always nice to hear," Kayla said, "So, who are your true feelings for. Don't worry you can tell me. I won't tell anybody," Kayla asked. "Promise?" "Promise." "It's Snape," Harry admitted. O - Kayla "You promised." "Dammit." 

Episode #12

"Hey, Nickey," Herman said, entering Nickey's small apartment. "Hey, Herman, what have you been up to lately?" Nickey asked. "Been running from the cops. And I need more weed," Herman replied quickly. "Sorry, Herm, but I'm out," Nickey said. "OUT? How can you be out?" Herman asked loudly. "You're not the only one in this room on dope," Nickey said pointing to her joint-butt-filled ashtray. "I guess I'll have to borrow from Gino," Herman said. "Yeah but if you don't pay than Leroy will fuck you up big time," Nickey replied. "Yeah, I forgot about Leroy," Herman replied. "I told Demetra to be here. Where the fuck is she?" Nickey yelled. "Probably out with Leroy collecting money for Gino," Herman replied. "I told her not to! Fuckin' Demetra. Never listens!" Nickey yelled. "I need a place to sleep tonight, do you mind?" Herman asked. "I don't mind. And, Herman... Why is there a rash shaped like Minnesota on your clit?" Nickey asked. "One word. Kayla," Herman said. "Ah." 

Episode # 13

Carlton In First Person

A, B, Down B, Up B, A, A, A. Yes, I won Super Smash Bros. Melee with Link again.  
My day is complete. I shut off the Gamecube and roll up the paddle with care. That's the four hundred and twenty seventh time I've beaten melee with Link. Nickey should be here soon, I'm supposed to take here somewhere tonight. I walk into my room and kneel on my bed. I bow down to the poster of Link on my wall; worshipping him. I look at Link's Master Sword that's resting against my wall. Herman thinks I'm going to give it to him. But he's wrong. That duck is going down and nobody's going to stop me. Not even the author of this fucked up story. I take out many a pez dispenser and practice beheading them. If Kayla saw me now she would kill me. Do I care? Not really. I'm going to make that duck pay for all he's done to the people I love.  
And when I'm through with him the candy is mine. I play all or nothing. And I plan on getting all. I hear a knock. That must be Nickey. Time to shine. Episode #14

Severus Snape In First Person:

I feel the October breeze nipping at my cheeks. I found a chicken and poisoned it. It's cooking in the oven right now. I wish to be with Harry now. Every time I think about him I get hard. Honestly. Oh, fuck, it happened again. Told you. Maybe when Ron is gone he will see that his love for me was always great. I met this psycho Lila kid. She thinks she's my number one fan. Well she must be, seeing as she got into the story. Or maybe this isn't one of JKR's works. Nobody ever tells me this shit. I refilled Herman's pez this morning. He stopped by and told me that Nickey had been eating him last night. Rather disgusting if you ask me. Not that I think that way but... Oh, nevermind! I gave him lemon flavor this time. For some reason not too many people like the lemon flavor kind these days. But I sure as hell do. Not that I plan to eat him or anything. He departed no sooner had I refilled him because he had to see Gino for some weed. Sneer. I'd willingly give him potions for free that would have a BETTER effect on him. Stupid fucking duck. He knows nothing. I hope he dies. I like that thought. I'll have to dwell on it some more. I just heard the oven timer go off from inside my house. And now for the execution of my master plan. "Muahahahahaha!" 

Episode #15

"Why do you want Snape?" Kayla asked. "There's so many reasons! He's just so hot and I love his personality. And all the little things that he does just makes me want to scream!" Harry said and then giggled. "Ooookaaay," Kayla said slowly biting into her slim jim. "Kayla!" Nickey said running towards her. "Nickey? What are you doing here?" Kayla asked. "It's Herman! Carlton is going to kill him tonight!" Nickey exclaimed. "We've got to stop him!" Kayla said, "Herrmaaaaan!" "Hey! How come I'm not in this story?" Alisha asked. "Er...Blame the author. I dunno," Kayla said. Alisha points an automatic in the air and begins to fire away. "I wanta be in!" Alisha screamed. "Hey! Watch it! I'm the author. Kill me and no more story!" Alexander Green yells from about the yellow paper in his biology class. "Can I pleeease be in it?" Alisha asked. "Sure...I guess," Alexander Green said. "Yay!" Alisha squeaks and runs off into the distance "Come on, Nickey! Before it's too late!" Kayla said and together they run to Herman's appartment. 


	4. Kayla's Sorrows

Episode #16

Herman the Duck/Carlton Showdown

Herman In First Person: I walk into my apartment and hang the keys on the nail on the wall. I hang up my coat. "Carlton?" I call out. "Yes, Herman?" I hear his voice sound from within. "You got the master sword?" I ask. "I sure as hell do!" He yells out.

Carlton In First Person: The stupid duck. He thinks that I'm going to give him teh master sword. Well I am. Just not in the way he wants me to. I jump out from the darkness and swing at him with my sword. He jumps back with insolent speed. Damn duck. Shit, he's lifting his pez launcher head thingy. Ah, fuck! I've been pezzed! I retreat into the dark living room.

Herman: "Carlton, Carlton, Carlton. Tch tch tch. You've just made a big mistake," I say to him. I load the next pez and get ready to shoot. I walk into the room carefully. I don't see him. I turn around and there he is. He swing at my head. I only have time to duck and innacurately shoot a pez, which just smashed into the TV and broke it. Dammit.

Carlton: I take one final swing and cut his head off. It goes flying throught the window, shattering shards of glass everywhere. I take the pez from his fallen body and begin to walk away. My work here is done. 

Episode #17

Kayla in First Person:

I run into the apartment to find Carlton holding a bloody sword. I stop in my tracks causing Nickey to bump into me. We topple to the floor and Carlton just laughs. What a bastard.  
I get up to my feet and help Nickey up. "WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?" I screamed in Carlton's face. Screamed, like,  
so bad there's probably spit in his eyes. I sure as hell hope so. "Becuase I had to. If I didn't he would just continue to slowly hurt everyone. That duck had to go," he said calmly as ever. What the fuck is wrong with him. I scream and he's calm. Fucking bastard. "I LOVED THAT DUCK!" I scream but still the damned bastard remains expressionless and calm. "At least he won't be stealing my pot anyomore," Nickey mutters. What. A. Bitch. "YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!" I yell at Nickey and her eyes start to water.  
I can't tell whether that made me feel better or worse. Because I feel like shit right now that's why. "Don't worry, Kayla, you'll thank me some day," Carlton says and him and Nickey just leave me there to cry.  
What a bastard. Like I'll ever thank him. And Hell is going to freeze over. Picture that. 

Episode #18

"Harry! Thanks for the chicken! It was delicious!" Ron said. "Chicken?" Harry asked completely confused. "Yeah, the one you gave me as a gift you left it on my bed," Ron said. "Er...No," Harry said. "Look, here, it says it on this," Ron said holding a piece of paper up to Harry It said:

To: Ron From: Harry

"Ron, I didn't give you taht chicken, honestly," Harry said. "Aw, stop joking," Ron said. Then he turned purple. Next came the violent convulsions. Then he fell to the floor, motionless and cold. "Ron! Ro-hoh-hohn! Why?" Harry screamed.

Yeah, Ron died. But he wasn't really even part of the story. And besides,  
who would want Ron in a story like this? Exactly. 

Episode #19

Allison In First Person:

I sit in my car every night outside his house waiting. Maybe tonight he'll come. Or maybe the next. Maybe even never. But I'm going to keep coming back here every single night, even until the day death take me! That's how much I love Severus Snape. My car broke down so I've been borrowing Nickey's. Well, this is the first night. It smells kinda funny in here. I want to just, I don't know, act goofy! I just want to have fun and... Oh, shit, shoulda known. She's got so much marijuana in this car it doesn't have to be lit to get you high.  
THAT'S a lot of pot. he he, that kinda rhymes. a lot and pot. Shut up! I didn't ask you. Meany. And true, this is only my third night. But that's still the entire story so far. I wonder if I'll ever get to live with Snape in this story. It would be so cool! Hey wait, what's that black figure moving towards me? It's snape! He came! He opens the passenger door aaaand... sits down! He shuts the door, staring out the windsheild. Still not looking at me he says, "What the hell are you doing in front of my house?" "I love you, man! I want to marry you and..." I stop. "Get a life," he says coldly and gets out of the car and just leaves me here. 

Episode #20

Nickey in First Person:

We pull into my driveway and step out of the car. I pull out a joint and begin puffing away. Everything starts to go swirly swirly like I like it. Carlton unlocks the door and walks in, I follow him. We take off our coats and Carlton sits down and whips out his Nintendo DS, thumbs flying all over it. Just watching him gives me a headache. Or maybe it's the pot. Or both together. Ah, fuck it I don't really care.  
I take one last drag from my joint and put it out. I tell Carlton to come to bed. I slip into my nightclothes and get under the sheets. Still no Carlton. I walk back into the living room and find Carlton still playing. I tell him to shut it off and to my surprise he does. I lay down and feel his weight move around in the bed. I smell my pot-filled breath. Everything goes swirly swirly again and I smile and fall asleep 


End file.
